Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Talking With My Husband
Yesterday my husband gave me permission to feel like crap. Before when I felt like crap I would feel my parents scorn towards me. I would feel that I was depressed, lazy, blaming my problems on others, lazy, unmotivated, wasting time, and more negative ideas then I can put words to. My husband asked me why it was that I could not admit it when my fathers actions were effecting me negatively. He supposed that I did not want to talk about cause and effect of my fathers actions because I did not want to talk about the abuse in any way, because it was a bad memory. While that may be a factor, I think the real reason is because I never wanted to admit that I felt like crap, because I felt like feeling like crap was my fault, like it was an indication of my own laziness for lack of a stronger word..... Worthlessness... that is the word that I could not pull out. I feel worthless when I feel like crap. I feel like it is all my fault that I feel worthless. But today as I feel like crap it is a nice release to say inside my head that this is my fathers doing. It is nice to say, I feel like crap because of my father. It is nice to say that and not feel worthless.
Yesterday my husband talked about what a horrible, awful rotten person my father was. As he did I felt part of me heal. It was so calming a reassuring to hear someone outside of me talk about how awful my father is. It made it more certain, more real, not all just in my head. I sometimes debate weather or not my fathers awfulness is all just me holding a grudge. But here I no longer had to doubt myself, my assessment that my father was awful. For my husband to talk about how rotten my father was on his own validated me and strengthened me. It is nice to be able to talk to someone about how horrible my father is and have them agree.