Scripture Highlights from my Youth; Second Nephi

RE: This weekend I asked my kids to bring me a Book of Mormon.  They brought me the Book of Mormon I owned in my youth.  The passages in the scriptures that I highlighted are very telling it is like reading a journal.

2 Nephi 1: 9
[9] ...keep his commandments, they shall prosper upon the face of this land; ... And if it so be that they shall keep his commandments they shall be blessed upon the face of this land, and there shall be none to molest them, nor to take away the land of their inheritance; and they shall dwell safely forever.

i.e. If I keep the commandments the Lord will protect me.

2 Nephi 1:10
[10] ...I say, if the day shall come that they will reject the Holy One of Israel, the true Messiah, their Redeemer and their God, behold, the judgments of him that is just shall rest upon them.

i.e. About my father

2 Nephi 1:17
[17] My heart hath been weighed down with sorrow from time to time, for I have feared, lest for the hardness of your hearts the Lord your God should come out in the fulness of his wrath upon you, that ye be cut off and destroyed forever;

i.e. About my father

2 Nephi `: 19-20

[19] ... for his ways are righteousness forever.

[20] And he hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; but inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence.

i.e. If I keep the commandments I will prosper, but my father who does not keep the commandments will not prosper.

2 Nephi 1 :23 - 24

[23] Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust.

[24] Rebel no more against your brother, ... and who hath been an instrument in the hands of God...

i.e. I viewed my self as being like Nephi, in going against the bad things in my family.  

2 Nephi 1:27

[27] ... the Spirit of the Lord which was in him, which opened his mouth to utterance that he could not shut it.

i.e. About me witnessing against my father

2 Nephi 1:31

[31] Wherefore, because thou hast been faithful thy seed shall be blessed

i.e. About my children.

2 Nephi 2:2

[2] ... and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

i.e. I will grow from my afflictions.

2 Nephi 2:5

[5] And men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil. And the law is given unto men. And by the law no flesh is justified;

i.e. My father knows better and he is not justified.

2 Nephi 2 :6

[6] Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace and truth.

i.e. The Lord is full of grace and truth.

2 Nephi 2: 9-10

[9] Wherefore, he is the first-fruits unto God, inasmuch as he shall make intercession for all the children of men; and they that believe in him shall be saved.

[10] And because of the intercession for all, all men come unto God; wherefore, they stand in the presence of him to be judged of him according to the truth and holiness which is in him. Wherefore, the ends of the law which the Holy One hath given, unto the inflicting of the punishment which is affixed, which punishment that is affixed is in opposition to that of the happiness which is affixed, to answer the ends of the atonement --

i.e. My understanding of the atonement.  I will be saved because of the truth and holiness in me.  God will make intercession for me.  My father will also be judged based on his nature.

2 Nephi 2:13

[13] And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away.

[14] And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

i.e. There is a God

2 Nephi 2: 16-29

[16] Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.

[17] And I, Lehi, according to the things which I have read, must needs suppose that an angel of God, according to that which is written, had fallen from heaven; wherefore, he became a devil, having sought that which was evil before God.

[18] And because he had fallen from heaven, and had become miserable forever, he sought also the misery of all mankind. Wherefore, he said unto Eve, yea, even that old serpent, who is the devil, who is the father of all lies, wherefore he said: Partake of the forbidden fruit, and ye shall not die, but ye shall be as God, knowing good and evil.

[19] And after Adam and Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit they were driven out of the garden of Eden, to till the earth.

[20] And they have brought forth children; yea, even the family of all the earth.

[21] And the days of the children of men were prolonged, according to the will of God, that they might repent while in the flesh; wherefore, their state became a state of probation, and their time was lengthened, according to the commandments which the Lord God gave unto the children of men. For he gave commandment that all men must repent; for he showed unto all men that they were lost, because of the transgression of their parents.

[22] And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

[23] And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

[24] But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

[25] Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

[26] And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

[27] Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

[28] And now, my sons, I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit;

[29] And not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom.

i.e. I chose eternal life not eternal death.

2 Nephi 3:4-5

[4] For behold, thou art the fruit of my loins; and I am a descendant of Joseph who was carried captive into Egypt. And great were the covenants of the Lord which he made unto Joseph.

[5] Wherefore, Joseph truly saw our day. And he obtained a promise of the Lord, that out of the fruit of his loins the Lord God would raise up a righteous branch unto the house of Israel; 

i.e. I felt this was about me.

2 Nephi 3: 12-13

[12] Wherefore, the fruit of thy loins shall write; and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write; and that which shall be written by the fruit of thy loins, and also that which shall be written by the fruit of the loins of Judah, shall grow together, unto the confounding of false doctrines and laying down of contentions, and establishing peace among the fruit of thy loins, and bringing them to the knowledge of their fathers in the latter days, and also to the knowledge of my covenants, saith the Lord.

[13] And out of weakness he shall be made strong, 

i.e. I saw this as speaking about me being able to bring forth peace and knowledge of the Lord.  Though I was weak then the Lord will make me strong.

2 Nephi 3:24

[24] with exceeding faith, to work mighty wonders, and do that thing which is great in the sight of God.

i.e. I felt that faith would help me overcome my father.

2 Nephi 4: 19-24

[19] And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

[20] My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

[21] He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

[22] He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

[23] Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the nighttime.

[24] And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

i.e. About the day I told my father to stop.  I focused mostly on verse 21 and the last part of 24 talking about me feeling the Lords love and talking about angels ministering unto me.  Specifically I felt that my Grandmother came and ministered unto me.  The Visions in the night time in verse 23 were visions of my Grandmother.

2 Nephi 4:28-33

[28] Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
[29] Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
[30] Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
[31] O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
[32] May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
[33] O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way -- but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

i.e. I can not read this without crying.  I felt this prayer so strongly.  I wanted desperatly to break free from my enemy my father, and from my afflictions.  I wanted the Lord to make a way for me to escape.   And I felt the part about my heart being broken and my spirit being contrite to be correct.

2 Nephi 4:35

[35] Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. 

i.e. Again I wanted to pray my way out of captivity with the help of the Lord.

2 Nephi 6: 13-14

[13] ... and the people of the Lord shall not be ashamed. For the people of the Lord are they who wait for him; for they still wait for the coming of the Messiah.
[14] And behold, according to the words of the prophet, the Messiah will set himself again the second time to recover them; wherefore, he will manifest himself unto them in power and great glory, unto the destruction of their enemies, when that day cometh when they shall believe in him; and none will he destroy that believe in him.

i.e. About the Lord saving me.

2 Nephi 7: 7-9

[7] For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded. Therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.
[8] And the Lord is near, and he justifieth me. Who will contend with me? Let us stand together. Who is mine adversary? Let him come near me, and I will smite him with the strength of my mouth.
[9] For the Lord God will help me. And all they who shall condemn me, behold, all they shall wax old as a garment, and the moth shall eat them up.

i.e. For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded. Therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed. And the Lord is near, and he justifieth me. Who will contend with me? Let us stand together. Who is mine adversary? Let him come near me, and I will smite him with the strength of my mouth. For the Lord God will help me. And all they who shall condemn me, behold, all they shall wax old as a garment, and the moth shall eat them up.

2 Nephi 7:11

[11] Behold all ye that kindle fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks, walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks which ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand -- ye shall lie down in sorrow.

i.e. About my father

2 Nephi 8: 6

[6] Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look upon the earth beneath; for the heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment; and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner. But my salvation shall be forever, and my righteousness shall not be abolished.

i.e. The Lord is stronger then my father.  This life is short. Eternal Salvation shall be forever.

2 Nephi 11:4

[4] Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ; for, for this end hath the law of Moses been given; and all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him.

i.e. My soul delights in Christ.

2 Nephi 25: 25-26

[25] ...made alive in Christ because of our faith; yet we keep the law because of the commandments.

[26] And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

i.e. I am made alive in Christ because of my faith.  I rejoice in Christ.

2 Nephi 28: 30

[30] For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.

i.e. I am blessed because I hearken unto the Lord.  I will learn wisdom, and the Lord will give me more.  But wisdom is taken from my father.

Scripture Highlights from my Youth; First Nephi

This weekend I asked my kids to bring me a Book of Mormon.  They brought me the Book of Mormon I owned in my youth.  The passages in the scriptures that I highlighted are very telling it is like reading a journal.

1 Nephi 1: 14
[14] Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! Thy throne is high in the heavens, and thy power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth, and, because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish!

i.e. God will not allow me to perish.

1 Nephi 1:19
[19] And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him because of the things which he testified of them; for he truly testified of their wickedness and their abominations; and he testified that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, manifested plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the redemption of the world.

i.e. I may be mocked for saying what is true.

1 Nephi 2: 19 - 20

[19] And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Blessed art thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart.

[20] And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands.

i.e.  I am blessed because of my faith, and for seeking the Lord with lowliness of heart.  If I keep the commandments I will prosper and I will be lead to a place where I will be safe.

1 Nephi 3:6

[6] Therefore go, my son, and thou shalt be favored of the Lord, because thou hast not murmured.

i.e. I am favored of the Lord.

1 Nephi 3:19-20

[19] And behold, it is wisdom in God that we should obtain these records, that we may preserve unto our children the language of our fathers;
[20] And also that we may preserve unto them the words which have been spoken by the mouth of all the holy prophets, which have been delivered unto them by the Spirit and power of God, since the world began, even down unto this present time.

i.e. Scriptures preserved for me

1 Nephi 3:29
[29] And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and the Lord will deliver Laban into your hands.

i.e. I may feel smitten by my family now, but that does not determine how things will end up in the end.

1 Nephi 4:13
[13] Behold the Lord slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief.

i.e. It is better to expose my father rather then allow him to continue to abuse.

1 Nephi 4: 14
[14] Inasmuch as thy seed shall keep my commandments, they shall prosper in the land of promise.

i.e. I and my family will prosper.

1 Nephi 9:6
[6] But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

i.e. The Lord will prepare a way for me to do good.

1 Nephi 14:2
[3] they shall be numbered among the house of Israel; and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever; they shall be no more brought down into captivity; and the house of Israel shall no more be confounded.

i.e. I will escape captivity and no longer be confounded, I will be blessed.

1 Nephi 15: 33-36
[33] Wherefore, if they should die in their wickedness they must be cast off also, as to the things which are spiritual, which are pertaining to righteousness; wherefore, they must be brought to stand before God, to be judged of their works; and if their works have been filthiness they must needs be filthy; and if they be filthy it must needs be that they cannot dwell in the kingdom of God; if so, the kingdom of God must be filthy also.
[34] But behold, I say unto you, the kingdom of God is not filthy, and there cannot any unclean thing enter into the kingdom of God; wherefore there must needs be a place of filthiness prepared for that which is filthy.
[35] And there is a place prepared, yea, even that awful hell of which I have spoken, and the devil is the preparator of it; wherefore the final state of the souls of men is to dwell in the kingdom of God, or to be cast out because of that justice of which I have spoken.
[36] Wherefore, the wicked are rejected from the righteous, and also from that tree of life, whose fruit is most precious and most desirable above all other fruits; yea, and it is the greatest of all the gifts of God. And thus I spake unto my brethren. Amen.

i.e. About my father.

1 Nephi 20 :10
[10] For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.

i.e. About me.

1 Nephi 10:11
[11]  for I will not suffer my name to be polluted, and I will not give my glory unto another.

i.e. The Lord will not suffer my father polluting his name.

1 Nephi 10:14
[14] All ye, assemble yourselves, and hear; who among them hath declared these things unto them? The Lord hath loved him; yea, and he will fulfill his word which he hath declared by them; and he will do his pleasure on Babylon, and his arm shall come upon the Chaldeans.

i.e. The Lord loves me and his arm will come upon my enemy.

1 Nephi 22:20
[20] And the Lord will surely prepare a way for his people, unto the fulfilling of the words of Moses, which he spake, saying: A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you.

i.e. The Lord will prepare a way for me.

The 5 Browns' sisters speak at victims of violent crimes conference

"Secrets and silence only help the abuser," Desirae Brown told a session of the Annual Crime Victims Conference. "So talking about it, bringing awareness to the problem, we hope will change this."

"So many people don't even understand the problem, Desirae Brown said. "They don't understand how rampant it is and they really don't know how to help, what signs they should look for, how to reach out to a victim."

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865554783/The-5-Browns-sisters-speak-at-victims-of-violent-crimes-conference.html?pg=all

The 5 Browns sisters say they've 'done something to make the world safer'

There's tremendous pressure in the home to keep things quiet and so I think a victim needs that distance of time and sometimes physical distance to be able to come to terms with what happened.

–Deondra Brown

Videos on the 5 Browns

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The 5 Browns work to fight stigma against victims of sex abuse

Tribune Article The 5 Browns work to fight stigma against victims of sex abuse

If someone suspects a person may be a victim of sexual abuse or notices changes in their behavior, the sisters told educators, therapists, law enforcement and members of the Department of Child and Family Services who attended to follow their intuition and talk directly to the victim.

The women said after they came forward about the abuse, acquaintances told them they suspected something was wrong between the daughters and their father, but had never said a word. Desirae Brown quoted Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, saying, "We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

The typical sex offender isn't some monster in a dark alley, the daughters realized. "They are so non-assuming and so charming," Desirae Brown said, adding that the"white collar crime" allows a seemingly "clean-cut, all-American guy" access to victims again and again.

Deondra Brown said the abuse may leave victims with flashbacks, nightmares, trust issues and affects their physical and mental health. She likened the abuse to a cancer brewing underneath the surface that, if not addressed, "will fester and waste away the wonderful things in our life."

"We may appear to be normal functioning adults, but really we are trying to put our lives back together, one day at a time," Deondra Brown told the crowd as she emotionally drew her hand to her heart.

The women said one in four girls and one in five boys are sexually abused and out of those 80 percent are abused by a family member. Desirae Brown said because the majority of cases involve family you have one of the hardest decisions to make. It can take victims up to 20 years to come forward, if at all.

At that time, friends of the family also chose sides, and some extended family members didn't support her. But she said she never wanted to regret not doing the right thing to protect others, despite the rumors that would rage, or how it might change her reputation or the career she had worked her life to build.

Deondra Brown said "sometimes you have to be your own hero," have courage and not let someone else steal your life.

"His horrible acts against an innocent child should not define me. I define me," she said as her voice cracked and she began to wipe the tears. "I am a survivor and I will hold my head high."

Desirae Brown offered steps to recovery involving hope, finding justice, finding strength to prosecute and healing. The two also said counseling was key to filtering what was right and true.

Help Thou My Unbelief - L.D.S. Conference 2013 Part B

I listened with great intent to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk "Lord, I Believe".  Just the topic struck my interest.  When I was struggling with anxiety while praying I often said to myself and the Lord over and over "help thou my unbelief."  Because it brought me great comfort to know that the Lord would accept me where I was at now.  

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in his talk "The Hope of God's Light" said "how do we open our eyes to the light of Christ? First start where you are."  He continued to explain "in fact the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take towards the light."  As I read this statement here on this post I start to cry, with the very first setps.  "The perfect place to begin is exactly where you are right now... The very moment you begin to seek your Heavenly Father in that moment  the hope of his light will begin awaking, and enliven and ennoble your soul.  The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surly as night always gives way to dawn the light will come."

Here in these last two posts I am talking as though these events are quite in my past.  But from an onlooker I am sure they would see that it is very much still part of my present.  It is a process, and I am moving in a direction, and I am looking back at what is recently behind me. Very recently.  For perspective, it was just yesterday morning that I commented to my husband "guess what?" I told him "I don't feel anxiety any more when I pray now."  Indeed this is my very recent past.

It use to be that just thinking of praying made me feel panic, fear and dread.  Why you may ask? Well, lets just talk about why in general I have been struggling with the church.  My father was taught me a corrupted gospel.  I can not think to write much more then that, for I am even now being overcome with anxiety as I start to think of it.  In addition to that I remembered a time when I was twelve and I prayed mightily to the Lord  to be rescued from my father by the L.D.S. Church.  I had a meeting with the Steak President and it was a disaster, I was not rescued.  Now in my adult life as I process these memories my faith and testimony were greatly rocked.  Of course they were rocked... no that is not strong enough, they were shattered on the sharp rocks of horrible memories.  Because of this and many other things I can not write, I feared prayer. 

From the moment I thought of prayer my brain fogged up because it buzzed with anxiety. As I knelt down to pray my breathing increased and my chest burnt from fear.  Once I started to pray I was so overcome by anxiety I could not think straight.  The longer I prayed the more I heard my fathers abusive teachings play over and over in my head.  Or I cried inside and asked the Lord why he abandoned me when I was twelve.  Most prayers ended with me doubled over and crying, or slumping in exhaustion and despair.  I wondered what was wrong with me, why could  I not pray. 

To this day I see a counselor on a regular basis, his name is Fred.  He is also LDS, though he does not ever preach to me about religion.  During these hard times, and even now still, he reminds me to patiently continue to confront my fears and eventually the anxiety will decrease and these things will become easier.  But I did not start out the hero.  For months I avoided praying, and figured praying was for other people that I was defective and I could not pray.  Then eventually I chose to try to tackle prayer.

I started out by making my prayer as short as possible.  As soon as I thought of praying, rather then moving slowly through the actions I would quickly start my prayer.  Then I would say the shortest prayer possible, at first just one sentence and then bring the prayer to a quick end.  I still felt great anxiety, I still felt totally overcome with dizziness, but the duration was shorter.  After that I presume that eventually it got easier to say more then one sentence, and grew until praying was comfortable again.  I don't remember the specifics in between.  I remember the beginning and doubting I would ever feel at peace with prayer again.  But it must have worked, for now I find myself, with surprise, praying again.

My experience has been very much like what Dieter F. Uchtdorf said.  "yes from time to time our lives may seem... to be touched by or even wrapped by darkness.  Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive disheartening and frightening.  My heart grieves and sorrows for the trials some of you face, for the painful loneliness and worrisome fears that you may be experiencing.  Never the less I bear witness that our living hope is in Jesus Christ he is the true pure and powerful entrance to divine enlightenment I testify that with Christ darkness can not succeed.  Darkness will  not gain victory over the light of Christ. I bear witness that darkness can not stand before the brilliant light of the sun of living  God.

I invite each of you to open your hear to him seek him though study and prayer come to his Church even the Church of Later Day Saints... Learn of him and of his gospel, participate actively, help each other and joyfully serve our God.

Bothers and sisters even after the darkest night the Savior of the world will lead you to a gradual sweet and  bright dawn that will assuredly rise within you as you walk towards the hope of Gods light.  You will discover the compassion love and goodness of a loving Heavenly Father in whom there is no darkness at all."

Where Can I Turn for Peace? - L.D.S. Conference 2013 Part A

Richard G. Scott's talk on "For a Peaceful Life" reminds me of the stage in my healing where I asked often "Where can I turn for peace?"  As a daughter of a perpetrator (or a victim of sexual abuse from my father, or a victim of incest) this was a unique question, with unique meaning.  During this time I was struggling greatly with spiritual things.  When I kneel ed down to pray I was overcome with anxiety.  When I went to church I had anxiety attacks.  When I went to the Temple I struggled with difficult questions.  When i watched conference I felt abused.  When I took my daughter to firesides for Young Women's I wanted to buckle over and bawl.  I felt terrible tormented and torn inside by the realities of my abuse and I struggled to heal.  What I wanted and needed most was peace, and yet all these places I tried to turn for peace often only left me feeling worn out and tired from the anxiety I felt.

As Richard G Scott says "we all need a place of peace" my torn soul desperately needed peace at this time.

In President Dieter F. Uchtdorf' talk "The Hope of God's Light" he tells a story about Jane.  Jane was raised in an abusive home.  As an adult Jane finds the Gospel and it helps her live a happy life.  But when Jane's abuser dies the pain of her abuse overtakes her again.  Uchtdorf explains that is when Jane "sought counseling and medical help and began to realize that for her the best path for her was to accept that darkness exists, but not dwell there. For as she now knew light also existed and that is where she chose to dwell."  I too found help in counseling in many of my dark times.  My counselors name is Fred.  Fred often told me to be patient.  He told me that I should allow God to heal my spiritual questions over time, that I should be patient in waiting for the healing to come.  He told me that if I tried to use logic to make quick decisions about spiritual things I would be closing off my opportunities to heal.  So I tried to remain patient.  Also in counseling I would tell Fred of the anxiety I felt in regards to church things.  He told me many times that the best way to heal was to just keep going.  So in faith I just kept going.

In Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk "Lord, I Believe'" he talks about something kind of like this.  He says "in moments of fear or doubt or troubling times hold the ground you have already won even if that ground is limited... Hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes...  Even if you can no more then desire to believe Alma declares 'let this desire work in you until you believe.'"  He explains in more detail "when problems come and questions arise do not start your quest for faith by saying what you do not have. Leading as it were with your unbelief. That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak. I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation  of moral courage then is a honest declaration of faith it is not. Be as candid about your questions that you need to be. but if you want to be healed don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle.  You have more faith then you believe you do"

I was surrounded by pain.  I can not tell you that I chose at that time to lead with faith.  But I also chose not to turn away from faith in anger.  For me it helped most to make distinctions and divisions in my mind, so that the responsibility for my anxiety was not blamed on the church, it was instead blamed on my father the perpetrator.  When I had to run crying from a Relief Society meeting just after the speaker talked about how difficult it must be to live through abuse, I am sure it was obvious to the sisters there that I ran because I was one of those souls who had to live through such trouble.  My Visiting Teacher and my Relief Society President, both who knew my story, followed me and hugged me and comforted me while I trembled with emotion and tears poured out my eyes.  Later when I reflected on this moment I was embarrassed that my pain was so visible to so many ward members, I was upset that going to church was so hard for m that day, and many other days.  I turned it over and over in m brain.  I wanted to be mad, to be hurt, to stay away from church if it ever meant confronting that pain again.  But as the pain calmed down I remembered the Love.  I remembered the dear love of my visiting teacher and my relief society president.  In fact I remembered the love  I felt from so many of the women in that room.  I felt their love.  I knew they loved me.

I have written before that a daughter impression of God is strongly influenced by her father.  I could not understand or comprehend a loving God at that time.  But all around me I could see loving and caring church members.  I told myself that God must be at least as loving as them and probably more.  I remembered that I had felt Gods love before.  I remembered that I had felt great faith in the L.D.S. Church before, and I had had a strong testimony.  I could remember countless moments where church members had helped or loved me or my family members.  I  knew I was better off being a church member even though it came with these unique trials for me.

Uchtdorf also said "even thought we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances God promises the hope of his light he promises to luminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness"

So in faith I kept going, hoping for a day when going to church, praying and all things spiritual would be easier for me.

Rough Notes on my Favorite Conference Talks

For a Peaceful Life -  Richard G. Scott 

April 2013 General Conference

Parents role of peace

we all need a place of peace

center life on the savior brings peace

Christ Centered life - find peace and refuge from the world

Indiscretions or neglect lead to big problems

simple constant good habits lead to happiness and bountiful blessings

Lords power is fundamental to establishing a home of peace. As you center your home on the savior it will naturally become a refuge fro your family and for your friends.

Greatest blessing is a Christ centered home where the Gospel is taught and love abounds.

He wanted to pattern his family after theirs

Reach out to those living in adverse circumstances

The home should not be used as a resource to gain personal advantage

Love family members not making good choices

Set our burdens down at his feet

This love one is not  abandoned but in the watch care of a loving savior

I bear testimony that living an obedient life firmly rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ provides the greatest assurance for peace and refuge in our homes.  there will still be plenty of challenges or heart aches but even in the midst of turmoil we can enjoy the peace of profound  happiness. I testify that the atonement of Jesus Christ is the source of that abundant peace. 

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: 'The Hope of God's Light'

story about  Jane and about African

Even thought we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances god promises the hope of his light he promises to laminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness

Jane grew up in darkness

The people who should have protected her were those that tortured her or allowed the abuse to continue

At age 19 Jane discovered the Church of Jesus Christ the joy penetrated her heart and she accepted the invitation to be baptised.  for the first time light entered her life and she saw a bright path before here.  she left the darkness of her world and decided to attend school a great distance away from her abuser at last she 

felt liberated from an environment of darkness and evil. free to enjoy the saviors sweet peace and miraculous healing

she realized that if she allowed the darkness to consume her their tormentor would have a final victory.  she sought counseling and medical help and began to realize that for her...

The best path for her was to accept that darkness exists but not dwell there. for as she now knew light also existed and that is where she chose to dwell.

Given her dark past Jane could have easily become vindictive venomous or violent but she didn't she resisted the temptation to spread the darkness by lashing out in anger hurt or cynicism. instead she held fast to the hope that with gods help she could be healed. she chose to radiate light and devote her life to helping others. this decision enabled her to leave the past behind and instead step into a glorious bring future.

she has become a tireless defender of the weak the victimized  and the discouraged she  builds strengthens and inspires everyone around her.  Jane learned that healing comes when we move away from the darkness and towards the hope  of a brighter light. it was in the practical application of faith hope and charity that she not only transformed her own life but forever blessed the lives of many many others

their may be some among you who feel the darkness encroaching upon you you may feel burdened by worry fear or doubt. to you and to all of us I repeat a wonderful and certain truth gods light is real i t is available to all it gives life to all thins it has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound it can be healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls in the  furnace of despair it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope it can enlighten the steepest valleys of sorrow it can illuminate the paths before us and lead us through the darkness night of the promise of a new dawn this is the spirit Jesus Christ.  which gives light to every man the cometh into the world 

never the less spiritual light rarely comes to those merely who sit in the darkness waiting from someone to come and flip the switch it takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the light of Christ. spiritual light can not be discerned  by carnal eyes Jesus Christ himself taught I am the light that shins into darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

how do we open our eyes to the light of Christ

first start where you are

in fact the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take towards the light 

the perfect place to begin is exactly where you are right now...the very moment you begin to seek your heavenly father in that moment  the hope o f his light will be gin to e\awaking and enliven and ennoble your soul the darkness may not dissipate all at once. but as surly as night always gives way to dawn the light will come

second turn your heart toward the lord

lift up your soul in prayer and explain to your heavenly father what you are feeling... let him know the trials you are facing. plead with him in Christs name for his strength and support. ask that your ears may be opened that you may hear his voice. ask that you r eyes may be opened that you may see his light

third

walk in the light

your heavenly father knows that you will make mistakes he knows that you may stumble many times perhaps many times  this saddens you but he loves you he does not wish to break your spirit on the contrary he desires that you rise up and become the person that you were designed to be. to that end his son was sent on this earth to illuminate the way and sow us how to safely cross the stumbling blocks in our path

following in the footsteps

yes we will make mistakes yes we will falter but as we seek to increase our love for god and strive to love our neighbor the light of the gospel will surround and uplift us. the darkness will surly fade because it can not exist in presence of light. as we draw near to God he will draw near to us and by day the hope of gods light will grow within us brighter and brighter until the perfect day

to all that feel they walk in darkness I invite you to follow the certain promise from the savior of the world. I am the light of the worked he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness but shall have the light of life

Africa - even thought those dear saints were surrounded by difficulty and trials they were filled with light,.

in the midst of great darkness these beautiful wonderful saints had filled this Church building and our souls with light.

yes from times to times our lies may seem... to be touched by or even wrapped by darkness sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive disheartening and frightening

My heart grieves and sorrows for the some of you face for the painful l loneliness and worrisome fears that you may be experiencing never the less I bear witness that 

out living hope is in Jesus Christ he is the true pure and powerful entrance to devine enlightenment I testify that with Christ darkness can not succeed 

darkness will  not gain victory over the light of Christ I bear witness that darkness can not stand before the brilliant light of the sun of living  god

I invite each of you to open your hear to him seek him though study and prayer come to his Church even the church  later day saints..learn of him and of his gospel participate actively help each other and joyfully serve our god

bothers and sisters even after the darkenes night the savior of the world will lead you to a gradual sweet and  bright dawn that will assuredly rise within you as you walk towards the hope of gods light you will discover the compassion love and goodness of a loving f\heavenly father in whole m there is no darkness at all.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: 'Lord, I Believe'

...help thou my unbelief

even if you can no more then desire to believe Alma declares let this desire work in you until you believe.

the father exerts his strength first and only then acknowledges his own limitation

in moments of fear or doubt or troubling times hold the ground you have already won even if that ground is limited.

hold fast to what you already know ans stand strong until additional knowledge comes.

it was this specific miracle that Jesus said if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed you hall say unto this mountain remove hence to yonder place and it shall  remove and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

the size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue it is then integrity that you demonstrate to the toward the faith that you do have and the truth that you already know..

when problems come and questions arise do not start your quest for faith by saying what you do not have. leading as it were with your unbelief. that is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak

I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation  of moral courage then is a honest declaration of faith it is not.

be as candid about your questions that you need to be. but if you want to be healed don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle

you have more faith then you believe you do

the greatness of the evidence you shall know them by their fruits.

we can not but speak the things which we have sen and heard and what we have seen and heard is that notable miracles has been done in the lives of millions of members of this Church that cannot be denied.

pleased to not hyperventilate if form time to time issues arise that need to b e examined understood and resolved they do and they will in the Church what we know will always trump what we don not know .. and remember in this world everyone is to walk by faith.  so be kind regarding human frailty your own ans well as those who serve with you in a church lead by volunteer men and women. except in the case of his only begotten son imperfect people are all that God has to work with. that must be terribly frustrating to him but he deals with it.

when doubt or difficulty come do not be afraid to task for help.

when doubt 

being pursued with full purpose of heart acting no hypocrisy and no deception before god in response of that kind importuning I testify that god will send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen our belief.

Christ himself said be not afraid only believe.

belief is always the first step towards conviction

i know Jesus was his only prefect child

I know Joseph acknowledged he was not perfect and he was his key restorer

I know this work is gods very truth I k now that at our peril would we allow doubt or devils to sway us from its path. hope on journey on honestly acknowledge your questions and concerns but first and forever fan the flame of your faith because all things are possible to them that believe.

My Fate is Tied to His

There is part of me that still imprisoned by my perpetrator father,  imprisoned in a way so cleaver I cant find a way out of it.

I think the worst torture a victim can live through is knowing that their perpetrator could still be perpetrating on someone else.  I don't directly know of anyone else that he is perpetrating on, but that is only based on opportunity.  I don't know everything.  I don't know how many other victims he had. I do for sure see the pattern of him setting himself up to be the helpful neighbor so he could perpetrate.  How many of my neighbors that he helped was he actually perpetrating on.  Part of my mind has to assume that if he went out of his way to be "helpful" then he for sure was also perpetrating on them.  I have to believe in the person my dad has shown himself to be, and not the person I want him to be.

It feels like the one way to be let out of this prison is to somehow make it so he can no longer find victims.  The only way people can protect themselves against him is to be educated and suspicious of him.  Hence the only way people will be suspicious is if they know he perpetrated on me.  In a way I am responsible if he has the opportunity to perpetrate on others, because if they  don't know, it is because I have not told them.  It is like to defend against my dads heinous acts I have to be willing to step forward and tell people I was his victim.  But as I do that I open myself up to huge social consequences.  How do I know what it means to others, how others will see me.

One of the social controls my father placed on me was to socially invalidate me.  Socially I am not considered to be of value, I am considered to be untrustworthy over dramatic.  How am I suppose to trust that the community my father kept me imprisoned in and invalidated in, how can I believe that they can accept me?  But even still unless I let my victimization be known I allow my father to continue to perpetrate.

If I tell I was a victim then people will feel like treating me in many different awkward ways.  One is that poor little girl who cant get anything right, no wonder why.  The other is that mean spirited emotional person has to ruin her fathers life because she has emotional issues of her own.  The other is that strong survivor, how strong it is of her to stand up to so much.  But I am habitually trained to act socially to set myself up to be in one of the first two social places, it is where I feel natural, it is where I lived imprisoned for most of my life.  I do things all the time that place me in the position of being weak or messed up.  I can not pull of the persona of being the strong one, I fall hopelessly off of all pedestals.  If the news spreadsthere is nothing I can do enough to portray enough that I am strong, and so I will be seen as weak and messed up.

And yet not stepping forward and telling others is evidence that I am under his controls.  Not being strong enough to warn others is evidence that I am weak and imprisoned still.  I want to be free from my fathers prison. I want to be strong enough to accuse him socially but the social ramifications of stepping out and accusing my father are enormous for me.  I want to step free and tell others, warn others. But I am imprisoned because I know that it will effect how people view me and I don't like that.