It is Sexual Abuse

It comes to mind that I am trying to avoid using the term sexual abuse.  My abuse was explained away in a  hundred different ways, anything but sexual abuse.  While I knew my father was sexually inappropriate to me, I could not say I was sexually abused.  Until I was triggered by an abduction in my neighborhood.  I then relived the worst moment.  The moment of undeniable sexual abuse.  I no longer could pretend it was something simpler then sexual abuse.  But even still I seem to have a brain block from using the term here I have written many blog posts and this is the fist one to even use the term sexual abuse in it.

Is this Gratitude?

I have been on a long journey.  A journey that started about three years ago.  I found myself at random times up all night crying uncontrollably because I was conflicted about my father.  I believed him to be a fine upstanding respectable person, and wished I could just forgive him and go back to forgetting.  I tried to forget, I tried to ignore.  But over and over, about a month apart I would be overcome by sobbing fits that would last all night.

Just a few years earlier then this I had lived through many miscarriages.  As I endured that painful experience the trauma of my childhood resurfaced.  Something I had successfully locked away in a box of forgetting started to hurt and nag at me again.  But ignore it I did, with great effort.

I had just moved into my own home.  Now after finally owning my own place did I finally feel safe enough, I believe this is why years after the miscarriages I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

During my miscarriages I had a wonderful neighbor and my friend/ VT er comfort me.  My dear neighbor suggested counseling to me, in order to help me in my trial.  I did try out some counseling with that people my insurance would pay for.  But I was generally unimpressed, and my wounds were bandaged over in the most simple of ways.

Now years later in my new home when uncontrollable crying fits over took me I started to think once again of my neighbor and her recommendation of a counselor.  I would suffer greatly through the crying fits, but try to hid it even from my husband asleep, sometimes in the same room, sometimes I would leave and go far away where he could not hear.  Because if he heard I felt I had to pretend I was not crying and all was ok.

Thankfully one night in despair and crying I felt I must have some form of release from my reality.  I emailed my neighbor and told her that I  was having crying fits. That it was awful.  That I would be in a state of denial in the morning.  But I asked her to please remind me that I needed counseling even if I was in denial.  Which she lovingly did.  She gently reminded a little here a little there.  And I move in and out of crying fits and denial, until I came to terms with the fact that my crying would not be solved until I tried something new, like maybe the counselor she was recommending.

So about three years ago I set up an appointment to go see Fred.\And I was so overcome with anxiety that I missed my first appointment.  Anxiety over took me so that I was very late for my second appointment.  But in time I learned to love and look forward to my appointments even though the anxiety of confronting my trauma still greatly existed, and I still occasionally missed appointments.

I hated the LDS meem of being blessed by trials. I hated it.  But today, after a long road of seeing Fred for three years I know something of gratitude.  I find it curious that I feel gratitude.  I do not feel gratitude for my trial.  Please understand that that simple meem works great for the LDS person who is faced with things like sickness, loss of a job, or even loss of a loved one.  But for me it caused great conflict when placed in the context of abuse.  To feel grateful for the abuse is to consider that the abuse somehow came from God.   A Blasphemy I could not let my self get even close to thinking.  No, instead my eternal soul needed to see a very clear distinct undeniable line dividing the abuse as far asunder from God as possible.  It was either that or leave the church, and that is quite the honest truth.

I could not answer why choice was so valuable that God did not step in with miracles and rescue me from my father.  I could not answer that and not wonder why/ and how is God God if he does not rescue the innocent.  That question alone is complicated and unanswerable enough.  But add to that any slight or unintended implication that abuse comes from God and you might just see some fangs com out of my mouth. The very thought made me spitting mad.

I wanted to believe in God.  I knew from former spiritual experiences that not believing in God was like living in a world of shattered glass.  I wanted to believe in God.  So I decided my God could have nothing to do with my torture, with my abuse, nothing.  And I wanted to hear no easily said meems, intended to make me feel better, that may possibly be construed to mean that God had anything to do with my abuse....

Where is my point on Gratitude. I am off on a tangent.

So I divided it.  I made very distinct divisions in my mind.  Abuse was a sin of Man. A spiteful and horrible sin from man.  And the very nature of God was to fight against abusers.  For some reason freedom of Choice did not include miracle rescues of many innocent children.  But the blame for the abuse had to be distinctly placed on the shoulders of the abuser and as far from God as possible.

And I forget the end cap of that point... I was suppose to be talking about Gratitude.

Today as I lay down to go to sleep I am startled awake by my trained in protections.  Night after night is a torture as I try to trust the world enough, to relax enough, to hope I only startle awake a few times, instead of repeatedly for hours.  Night after night has been torture of trying to get myself to somehow relax and sleep as I need to.  Tonight I startled awake, who knows how many times.  And for once instead of feeling the feeling of dread and torture, and the fear and anxiety of enduring yet another night of this torture.  Instead of those negative feelings I started instead to think about the things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for an amazing husband.  The only thing that heals abuse is Love, and I do not know how anyone else could do it without a supportive husband like my own.  I am grateful for my kids.  In them I can change the pattern of generational abuse, in them I can change future generations and save future generations from the abuse of my grandfathers.  And I am thankful for the Love of Christ.  Though I do not always believe in it.  Though my abused soul is skeptical and doubtful and in some ways deadened to feeling the Love of Christ.  I am grateful for the wonderful people around me that help communicate Christs love to me by their simple actions of kindness.

and that is all I find I can write because of anxiety.

Fighting to stay LDS

When your father is a perpetrator it is a given that you have issues with religion.  There are many reasons for this.  The less known reason is the manipulation the perpetrator father plays.  What society does not know is that a perpetrator needs a religion in order to enable his perpetration.  The perpetrator enmeshes himself in the organization, always seeking for ways to advance socially in the organization.  The Perpetrator uses the church as a way to gain trust from others.  He uses it as a way to gain respect from others.  These two tools trust and respect are the perpetrators most important tools.  Add to this the fact that a father in many ways becomes the symbol of  God in is daughter mind and you have plenty of reason to have issues with the church.  But there are still more reasons.

Then the perpetrator father teaches his daughter a twisted form of religion, a religion that takes the principals of the church and changes them and twists them.  The father uses this twisted religion to indoctrinate his daughter into the role of being his perpetual victim.  But more then this, his twisted religion is presented as standard church doctrine.  The daughter grows up where all the key words of church doctrine mean something very different to her, because of the way her father twisted everything.  But because her father is using the same key words as the rest of the church all the talks the daughter hears only reinforce her fathers twister reality, because she simply puts his definition of words into the slot each time the word is used.  That there is another huge reason to have issues with the church.  But there is still more.

At some point the daughter will try to break out of the abusive pattern.  When this is done the father then pretends to repent.  Because the only person in the room with the bishop is the father the father has allot of room to embellish his own story about what happened.  The father will supposedly go talk to the bishop, Then he will come back to the family and tell them some lie about how he is fully repentant and about how his actions should all be kept secret.. He can further complicate this by leaving the child with the impression that while it is a secret what he did, it is somehow illogically not a secret that the child wanted these inappropriate affections from her father.  Thus the child believes that everyone thinks the child caused the problem. No one blames the perpetrator, not the church, the Bishop or even God.  All the way up tot he top official himself, God, the perpetrator is forgiven for his minor infraction, but the greater infraction of the child seeking that attention is not forgiven in fact is is known abroad and unforgivable.  What official is the child left to turn to?  If the child's mother bought that show, because she was in such an emotional mess she could not see straight, then the child can not turn to her.  The child can no longer turn to the church, the child can not even turn to God himself.  But still, still that is not the end of the reason the child has issues with the church.  

Next comes the issues of why did God not save the child from the father's sexual abuse?  Why when the child prayed and prayed for protection and help did no one come to help?  Who is God really if he can not save the child from the father?  

Then that is compounded by the stupid LDS philosophy that all experiences are good ones that make us grow stronger.  Who ever believes that does not understand the true nature of abuse.  Am I really suppose to thank god for my abuse?  Does the abuse come from God to help me grow? How am I suppose to believe that line of thinking and not be angry at God?  

Then there is the LDS belief that we chose where we came to earth.  Why wold I chose to come to an abusive family, is the obvious question. For the greater trial and the greater blessing? Really?  That does not answer the question. There are plenty of abused people that never break free from the abuse, never grow past it and never gain a better life or understanding because of it.  It can not be argued that inevitable end result is that we all grow from abuse, that just is not the case.  Most abused victims spend a life wallowing in misery and worthlessness that never lets up or improves.  Being compelled to a life of worthlessness has no inherent value.  Nothing is gained in the strengthening of the spirit, in fact quite the opposite, the spirit is most often broken and falls into patterns of sin and rebellion.   

Then there  is the question of the nature of God.  It is a cruel God that knowingly sends a child into an abusive home. 

The perpetrator imposes a reality on the victim of one of lack of confidence and self doubt. This is necessary or the victim would stop the abuse and report it.  The victim is taught to that their judgment betrays them, that it is the opposite of good, that it is the cause of their problems.  The LDS church has a strong belief of personal revelation.  But the victim feels that it has been proven to them that their judgement is faulty, then the victim is someone suppose to turn to God in times of stress and look for guidance?  That would require the victim to trust their ability to receive communication accurately.  Also turning to God for help in times of stress would require the victim to believe that God will for some reason help them now, that they need something little, like say finding their keys, when God offered no noticeable help while the abuse was happening.  

Lets say the victim somehow magically fights through all of those issues the victim still has church based triggers to deal with.  Everytime the all time favorite words of repentance, atonement, forgiveness are mentioned the victim has to fight back anger, disappointment, and frustration to say the least, of the memory of her father using the repentance process as an abusive club to keep her down.  Various words spoken, various actions will trigger the victom.  Like the sacrament, watching her pious father take it the day after he abuses her.  etc.  These weekly things at church all trigger abuse memories and cause the daughter to relive her trauma.  

Not to mention that the church has a very favorable policies towards perpetrators.  The daughter has to go to church with other perpetrators and see how they are treated with trust and respect, the two things the perpetrator needs to keep abusing.  So while the daughter may find ways to heal all the other spiritual inconsistencies, nothing will change the fact that just going to church triggers her repeatedly.  

In spite of all this some of us still do chose to fight to stay LDS.

Talking With My Husband

Yesterday my husband gave me permission to feel like crap.  Before when I felt like crap I would feel my parents scorn towards me.  I would feel that I was depressed, lazy, blaming my problems on others, lazy, unmotivated, wasting time, and more negative ideas then I can put words to.  My husband asked me why it was that I could not admit it when my fathers actions were effecting me negatively.  He supposed that I did not want  to talk about cause and effect of my fathers actions because I did not want to talk about the abuse in any way, because it was a bad memory.  While that may be a factor, I think the real reason is because I never wanted to admit that I felt like crap, because I felt like feeling like crap was my fault, like it was an indication of my own laziness for lack of a stronger word..... Worthlessness... that is the word that I could not  pull out.  I feel worthless when I feel like crap.  I feel like it is all my fault that I feel worthless.  But today as I feel like crap it is a nice release to say inside my head that this is my fathers doing.  It is nice to say, I feel like crap because of my father.  It is nice to say that and not feel worthless.


Yesterday my husband talked about what a horrible, awful rotten person my father was.  As he did I felt part of me heal.  It was so calming a reassuring to hear someone outside of me talk about how awful my father is.  It made it more certain, more real, not all just in my head.  I sometimes debate weather or not my fathers awfulness is all just me holding a grudge.  But here I no longer had to doubt myself, my assessment that my father was awful.  For my husband to talk about how rotten my father was on his own validated me and strengthened me.  It is nice to be able to talk to someone about how horrible my father is and have them agree.

Church Manual - parts of interest to me

Understanding and Treating Sexual Abuse

Understanding and Treating Sexual Abuse
Since the 1 970s, many segments of society have demanded that steps be taken to reduce child sexual abuse. This outcry began in the mid-1970s when it became apparent that children who said they had been sexually abused were almost always telling the truth.

Sexual abuse is defined in the booklet Child Abuse—Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders as “any sexually stimulating activity between a child and an adult or another child who is in a position of power, trust, or control” (p. 2).

Adults who describe the effect of being molested as children say that the form of sexual abuse makes little difference. Sexual fondling may be as traumatic as intercourse. The violation of the child’s trust affects her more than the actual nature of the abuse.

Relationship of Perpetrator to Victim

Forty-seven percent of the offenders come from the children’s own families or extended families. Another 40 percent, though not family members, are known by the children (Brown and Holder, 1980). Victims molested by non-family members are more likely to report the abuse than victims of incest. When abuse is perpetrated by family members, it may be years before the child or another family member is willing to report it.

Russell (Salter, 1988) studied a random sample of 930 adult women and found that 38 percent reported having been abused before age eighteen. Russell trained her interviewers extensively and had strict definitions about what constituted abuse. Hands-off offenses such as exhibitionism were excluded. Despite the narrowness of her definitions, Russell’s study, when compared with others, revealed the highest percentage of women who had been sexually abused.

Variances in studies show the difficulty of providing consistent statistics for the prevalence of sexual abuse among the general population. The more reliable studies do suggest, however, that sexual abuse may be the most underreported form of abuse.

Incidence among Church Members

In 1990, 1,872 children were reported to have been sexually abused in Utah (Division of Family Services Report, 1990). It is not known how many of these cases involved Latter-day Saints. There are no other reliable studies that reveal the prevalence of child abuse among members of the Church.
According to Feinauer (1988), the most devastating psychological effects occur when victims are abused by a trusted person who is known to them. Family relationship does not appear to be the determining factor in creating distress. The emotional bond the victim feels toward the perpetrator and the betrayal of trust appear to be the key factors.

Nevertheless, abuse within the family often results in the most severe effects. This is due to the longer duration and frequency of the abuse, the close relationship and greater age difference between the perpetrator and victim, the use of force, and the greater intrusiveness of the sexual activity (Russell, 1986). It is also due to the child’s dependence on, entrapment in, and loyalty to her family, which requires her to use strong defenses to cope (Courtois, 1988).

Because of the trauma associated with incest, the remaining portion of part 2 will describe the problems of incest survivors, although other victims of abuse may suffer in similar ways.

Long-term effects (two or more years following abuse) may include generalized anxiety; anxiety attacks; continued sleep disturbance and nightmares; fear of people, enclosed places, and the dark; anxiety about sexuality during adolescence; chronic depression with suicidal thoughts and attempts. Victims are much more likely than other people to consider or attempt suicide and to engage in self-mutilating or other types of sell-harmful behavior (Briere and Runtz, 1986).

Initially, abused children develop a negative view of themselves. Feelings of guilt, shame, and complicity are caused by the secrecy, entrapment, and betrayal by a trusted family member. Some children compensate by trying always to be good, hoping that their efforts will make the abuse stop. The shame is compounded if the child discloses the abuse and is blamed or disbelieved. She may feel increased isolation, worthlessness, and hopelessness. As she realizes that others have not had the same experiences, she may feel marked, disgusting, freakish, and unworthy of positive attention from others.

Physical Effects

Initial physical effects may include  aches and pains such as headaches or gastro­intestinal and gemtourinary pains;  physical signs of depression and anxiety such as lethargy, inability to concentrate,

Over the long term, victims may manifest self-hatred and self-disgust through physical problems. They may abuse or disregard their bodies. They may have chronic pain, infection, and phobias about genitourinary organs and their functioning. Victims may also have general physical problems such as anxiety, stress, obesity, or anorexia.

Initial effects on relationships include marked impairment in the victim’s ability to relate to and trust others; withdrawal even though the child is still needy and dependent. The needs of the child may be masked by her behavior. She may be very compliant or may act like a parent. She may appear mature beyond her years, taking care of everyone else in the family. But she does this because it is expected of her, it provides her with some power, it helps compensate for her feelings of badness, and it is a means of getting others to like her.

1. General difficulties in relationships. Fear, the inability to trust, and hostility lead to superficial relationships with both men and women.

3. Problems with parents, family members, and authority figures. The victim may feel hostility and rage toward family members or authority figures, or she may distance herself from the family to prevent continued abuse.

Chronic abuse may interfere with a child’s ability to learn. Victims may have difficulty learning, remembering, and concentrating, and they may have a shortened attention span.
Still others feel compelled to become super women. These are susceptible to burnout in their efforts to compensate for perceived personal deficiencies.

Incest often influences the way victims perceive the Church. Victims frequently distort and misconstrue religious concepts such as honesty, obedience, chastity, sin, punishment, worthiness, and repentance. When children learn that the abuse was wrong, they often feel confused and guilty. They conclude that they must be bad because they were part of it.

Incest victims tend to associate God with their earthly parents. They have difficulty understanding a loving, trustworthy Father in Heaven when they have an earthly parent who lies, manipulates, and sexually abuses them. Victims may also believe that their lot in life is to be abused. They may believe that their plight was chosen in the premortal world and that the Lord wanted them to be born into this family and have these experiences. Russell (1986) found that many victims of sexual abuse stopped believing in religious teachings.

Extensive treatment is frequently needed to un­scramble the pathology associated with sexual abuse. Solving debilitating problems such as those described above often requires the combined efforts of qualified professionals and ecclesiastical leaders. The remaining portions of this module will describe assessment and treatment approaches.

Victims of sexual abuse need spiritual as well as professional help. Without spiritual help, victims may continue suffering through adulthood.

In families where incest occurs, nonoffending spouses and non-victim children often need spiritual as well as professional help.

“President Gordon B. Hinckley in counsel to priesthood holders states:

“‘Perhaps [child abuse) has always been with us but has not received the attention it presently receives. I am glad there is a huge and cry going up against this terrible evil, too much of which is found among our own’ (in Conference Report, Apr. 1985, p. 66; also Ensign, May 1985, p. 50).
“If any people ought to shun abusive activities and administer comfort and cures for such problems, it should be the Latter-day Saints. Church members should strive to exemplify Christlike attributes in all their relationships and avoid cruelty and other inappropriate behavior toward family members and others.

“A great privilege of mortal life is bringing children into the world. In this process, parents become co-creators with their Heavenly Father and are responsible to protect their children in every way. Children have a God-given tight to that protection and to complete security in their home. Parents should be willing to give their lives, if necessary, for the protection of their children.

“It is difficult to understand why any priesthood holder would abuse little children verbally, emotionally, or physically. When an adult member of the Church brings ugly, immoral involvements to innocent children, his priesthood leader needs to respond” (p. 1).

Ensure that victims correctly understand the Church’s position on abuse and the gospel principles
Historically, LDS Social Services has provided short-term therapy. However, long-term treatment is often necessary to resolve problems related to abuse. The needs of sexual abuse victims, perpetrators, and their family members are often extensive. As an LDS Social Services practitioner, you must necessarily limit your involvement in this problem area. Whenever possible, you should refer those affected by sexual abuse to therapists who specialize in such treatment. Provide therapy only in the circumstances outlined below or where local resources do not exist. The following guidelines will help you determine the extent to which you should become involved.

Accept only clients that can be treated adequately according to agency policy and within the time constraints of your agency. The efforts of LDS Social Services are usually best suited for (1) brief group therapy for adults molested as children, (2) victims with mild to moderate problems, (3) families with minor to moderate adjustment problems related to abuse, and (4) adolescent perpetrators who are not entrenched in abusive life-styles.

The ability to deal with transference and Children have a disposition to please adults. They countertransference. For example, it is common for a female who has been victimized by a male to perceive a male therapist in the same negative way that she perceives other males.
Children have a disposition to please adults. They may tell you what they think you want to hear rather than what really happened.

When child abuse is reported to public officials and ecclesiastical leaders, it is not always clear what actually happened. As a rule, children should be believed when they report abuse. Only a small percentage make up stories. Unfortunately, most victims are reluctant to share information because they are embarrassed or fear punishment. Many are coached to lie and are warned that telling what they know will destroy the family or cause the perpetrator to be thrown in prison. Others lack verbal skills to accurately describe the abuse.

Perpetrators typically deny or minimize accusations and often try to frighten victims into dropping charges. Adults sometimes wonder if accusations are contrived, exaggerated, or minimized. A thorough investigation by local authorities is needed to determine exactly what happened, not only to satisfy the demands of the law but also to help determine the victim’s need for treatment.
Sexual terminology and behavior that is unusual and inappropriate for the child’s age and background.

Sleep disturbances such as nightmares, phobias, or fear of being alone in the dark.
Changes in behavior and performance at school such as a short attention span, inability to concentrate, declining grades, poor study habits, unexplained absences, or tiredness for no apparent reason.

Histrionic attention-seeking, egocentricity, overdramatization, excitability, talkativeness, emotional lability,

Crying for no apparent reason.

Excessive watching of television.

Victims often feel estranged from God and long to be freed from shame, anger, guilt, and a sense of unworthin

Bishops can also help victims understand that they were not responsible for the abuse.

Focus on Multiple Family Problems

Incest frequently occurs in extremely dysfunc­tional families with many problems. Perpetrators lie about and minimize their sexual crimes and, in the process, model deceptive behaviors for other family members. Victims, spouses, and siblings soon learn that they, too, must deny, rationalize, and minimize problems to protect themselves as well as the perpetrator. Family members often live in fear, isolating themselves from the community to keep their secret from being discovered. Victims often use deceit and denial as coping strategies against the painful realities of abuse. Once these families are brought into treatment, their extremely pathological behavior can create chaos among the agencies and individuals who try to help them unless all those involved work in close harmony with one another.

 Role reversals are common, with the victim daughter assuming many of the nurturing, caretaking responsibilities of the nonoffending mother.

Extreme family interdependency is shown in the conspiracy of silence surrounding abusive behavior.

Father-daughter incest is potentially the most damaging form of incest and is the kind most frequently prosecuted by the courts. The average victim is ten years old when her father begins his sexual advances (Giaretto, 1976, p. 2). Incestuous fathers are often anxious and insecure, and have less self-confidence than men in the general population (Rosenfeld, 1977). They frequently choose incest because they are unable to deal with adult women and establish ties with the outside community. In many cases, they have been raised in incestuous families and are victims themselves.

They often rationalize their incestuous behavior as fatherly affection or as a means of teaching children the facts of life.

Nonoffending parent” is a term used to describe the husband or wife of an incest perpetrator.~ In child sexual abuse literature, nonoffending parents have been described as passive-aggressive, helpless, rigid, overpowering, aloof, distancing, controlling, caring, castrating, or dehumanizing. Investigation has uncovered profiles of almost every type of personality (Brown and Tyson, 1978; Weiner, 1962). It is common for nonoffending parents to have been sexually abused as children and to be overtly or covertly aware that their children are being abused.

Nonoffending mothers often have low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity.

The nonoffending parent is often the object of the victim’s passive or focused rage. The child believes that the nonoffender knows she is being abused, even though this may not be the case. She feels that the nonoffending parent should do something about the abuse. She hopes the parent will protect her, divorce the offender, or at least make him stop the abusive behavior.

A child victim frequently believes the only person to whom she can express her anger is the nonoffending parent. This parent may love the victim but may struggle to understand and cope with the confusion, anger, and frustration of the victim, especially when the victim’s hostility is directed at her. When the victim is with the offender, she is often compliant and attentive and seems to prefer him over the nonoffending parent. This may confuse the nonoffending parent. The perpetrator often adds to the dilemma by persuading the victim to view the nonoffender as weak, deficient, or unable to parent.

If the nonoffending parent has lingering psychosomatic illnesses or is dependent on prescription drugs for such illnesses, the perpetrator may encourage her to remain isolated and to avoid her responsibilities so that he can have greater access to the victim.

When a nonoffending spouse is very dependent, her ability to acknowledge and expose the sexual abuse is greatly diminished. She realizes that disclosure creates the risk of extreme financial hardship for the family. She may choose not to report the abuse until she is employed and has enough money saved to escape with the children. Her self-esteem is often so low that she perceives herself as unemployable. She is frequently unskilled.

Some dependent nonoffenders reject evidence of the abuse, choose to believe the offender’s story of innocence, and psychologically abandon the victim while clinging to the perpetrator as the only hope for survival. Other family members may gather around the offender. Dissenters who sympathize with the victim are rejected. In this way, the perpetrator maintains control of the family and perpetuates their dependency.

When incest occurs, nonoffending parents usually feel guilty and angry about their poor choice of companions. Both they and their children fear the offender.

Henry Kempe (1977) discovered that people who are physically or mentally impaired have a 30 percent greater risk of being abused than those who are not. Disturbed, controlling adults often rationalize that these children do not have normal feelings or will not have normal relationships during their lifetimes. The victims often believe they are unworthy of relationships and do not allow closeness. A pattern often evolves in which they are continually victimized.

Forgetting is often perceived as a threat. If the victim were to allow herself to forget about the abuse, it could happen again.

Victims often respond to treatment in the same way they responded to the abuse. They wait to be told what to do instead of taking an active role in the therapy process. They have learned not to express feelings, hold opinions, or discuss choices. If they do not get better immediately, they may believe it is their fault. Consequently, therapy often seems to result in failure.

Begin the strengthening process by giving the child permission to accept and express feelings of anger and hurt. Incest victims, particularly, are afraid to accept or express their feelings. They often fear further rejection. They tend to blame themselves, thus inhibiting the healthy attitude that they have a right to be angry and feel hurt because their parent or parents have betrayed them (Porter, et al., 1984, p. 128).

Maxine Murdock stated: “Virtue is something that cannot be taken away from anyone; it can only be given up voluntarily. If for example, a person is robbed, does that make him a robber or a thief? Or if someone takes your life, are you therefore guilty of murder? Certainly not. And of course the same is true of rape: the guilt lies with the perpetrator, not the victim.”
6Murdock, Maxine, “When It Happens to One Among Us,” Ensign, October 1981 (emphasis added).

Faith Healings - Or Seeking Professional Care for Emotional Scars and Cancers

In our day and age we have an understanding of medical science.  We understand the need for medical care of physical ailments.  If someone is severely cut or if someone has cancer we take that person to a qualified medical professional.  There are times that priesthood blessings have held in them the ability to do all the healing a person needs.  But healing medical problems by priesthood blessings is not the standard.  Instead we give blessings to our sick and medically afflicted before, during and after medical treatment.  Our blessings bless the afflicted that the medical professionals will be skilled and inspired.  The more medical experts act on true principals of healing the more skillfully they help their afflicted patients.  Through true principals and spiritual guidance medical professionals work towards healing sick patients.  In this way medical healing is not an act of healing by faith alone, it is an act of works, works by skilled professionals using true principals.  The faith comes in as we ask the spirit to guide the professionals and strengthen the afflicted. 

Why is it that we then fall into the trap of believing that emotional scars should be healed by faith alone? Many emotional scars and cancers also need the work of a skilled professional.  Just as a gash needs to be stitched up severe emotional scars need to be nit together by a professional acting on true principals, under the guidance of the spirit.  Severe emotional scars can be like a cancer, eating away at every aspect of a persons identity.  In the case of physical cancers, teams of specialists are called in to test and determine with skill all the places that the cancer has spread to, all the areas of the body effected by the cancer.  Then this team consults on the best ways to skillfully remove the cancer, in a way in order to enable the best healing for the patient.  Emotional cancers caused by abuse spread throughout the persons whole belief system, eating away at all that is good in their life.  As in the case of pyhsical cancer, emotional cancers many times need a skilled professional to evaluate how far the cancer has spread, and what areas of the emotions are being effected by it.  Then the skilled professional considers how he can skillfully remove the cancer in a way that promotes the best healing.

For the healing of emotional scars and cancers the atonement offers guidance and true principals.  The atonement can assist the emotionally afflicted before during and after the skilled emotional treatment.  We would not take a deeply wounded person, who is actively loosing precious blood first to the priest and beg of them to stop the bleeding with prayer.  We would not take a person ridden with cancer to the priest and beg of them to pray each bit of cancer out of them.  We would not rely solely on faith to heal the physical ailments of the body.  We would turn to a medical professional, and ask them to help us heal as we rely on faith and blessings to guide his principals and actions.  The atonement can help knit the emotional wounds.  The atonement can help shine light and truth into darkness, lighting the way towards healing.  There are times, as with  medical problems, when a blessing alone can help heal deep emotional problems, but that is not the standard. 

If it was a true principal that the atonement alone could heal all emotional problems then we would not be placed here on the earth with other people.  Because each of us alone could then turn to the atonement and heal by our self.  But that is not the Lords plan.  The Lords plan is for community, church, family, love and professionals to all be used in our life for good.  I actively turn to an emotional professional to guide me on my path of emotional healing because I know that faith without works is dead.  Faith alone will not heal the scars that were caused by evil works.  Evil works must be combated with good works.  I choose to turn to a professional to help me find and skillfully remove my emotional cancers.  In this process of emotional healing I will lean on principals of the atonement in the beginning, in the middle and at the end. Emotional healing comes from good works and professional care guided by the principals of the atonement.

Great Quotes from the Browns

"People feel like, there's a sense, oh we need to hear both sides of the story.  There's not two sides to this story.  There's only one and that's the survivor, and being truthful about the abuse that happened, and having that come to justice."  ~Desirae Brown

"There is only right and wrong.  There is only supporting the victim or supporting the perpetrator. No one should ever be doing that."  ~Gregory Brown